My liver just broke up with me...
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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