I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I still have a little drunk in my system
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
