i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
