I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
My dick has a subreddit
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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