I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
