using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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