I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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