apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
