Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
