you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
