i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
