If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
