The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
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