paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
