Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I'm too high and old for this...
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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