That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
