There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
