I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
