Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
