my phone needs a breathalizer
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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