if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
