I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
