Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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