Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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