i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
