Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
