There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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