I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
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