If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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