he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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