i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
