Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
