I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
