Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
