This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
