If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
