My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
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