My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
