YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
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At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
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That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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