i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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