i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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