You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
