I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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