is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
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If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
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How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
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