I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
