His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Randomize
