How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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