im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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