ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
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I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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