I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
