i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
