I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
