TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
