Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
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Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
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