Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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