If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
