she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
